Yes, I'm having a glass of wine on a Tuesday. It's 5 o'clock, what's the big deal?

Do you ever just have "one of those days"?  I love my kids more than anything in this world, but there are some days when I'm just plain worn out. Dayven's travel schedule does not help. He's been gone more days than he's been home this month.

If I were to calculate, I'd estimate that I spend at least 50% of my waking hours in the kitchen. I'm either preparing a meal, serving a meal, cleaning one up, unloading the dishwasher, reloading it, sweeping the kitchen floor for the 17th time that day or wiping up muddy dog footprints. It would really be helpful if Finley ate something besides meat and cheese. I mean, really, what is the point of having a dog if you still have to sweep the floor after meals!?

Hadley has somehow figured out how to use the phone and manages to call one of my friends at least once a day. My girlfriends will say "One of your kids phoned me. I think it was Hadley. I saw your number pop up on caller ID, but all I heard was the sound of buttons being pushed and a lot of heavy breathing".

She loves dog food and eats it any chance she gets. I used to put Finley's bowl up on the counter, but I never remembered to put it back down and he'd go days without eating. No wonder he's always eating sticks. Now, if I see Hadley's cheeks bulging and a guilty look on her face, I know she's been snacking. I force her to chug water to get rid of the dog breath.

She also likes to unroll toilet paper. I am very careful to shut the bathroom door, but sometimes Wyatt lets her in. I usually find her standing in a mountain of paper, halfway through the roll.

I am constantly cleaning something. I sometimes go from room to room, just straightening, fixing, wiping, reassembling. Sometimes I can actually hear loud crashes while I'm cleaning and I know another mess is in the process. They are faster than me and I just can't keep up. Sometimes I hear a loud crashing sound from another room, a few seconds of silence followed by Wyatt's chipper voice "Oh! Dat's ok! Sometimes accidents happen!"

I went outside to collect the last of the apples and I stepped in dog poop. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to scrape it from the treads of my shoe with a stick and blasting it with frigidly cold water from the hose. When is that dog going to start cleaning up his own poop?

Then there's the constant barrage of questions that come from a preschooler... "What is that noise?", "Where are we going, mommy?", "Who are you talking to?", "What are you eating?", "Who is that lady?" and on and on.......  Sometimes I tell Wyatt we are playing the "quiet game" because I just can't take another syllable. It lasts about 15 seconds.

The minute I get on the phone, my kids turn into two orangutans, shrieking, jumping around, attaching themselves to me, doing anything to get my attention. Wyatt is the worst. When I'm on the phone, I have to keep moving so I can actually hear what the person on the other end is saying. I walk "the loop" (through the kitchen, dining room, front hall, family room and back) faster and faster, while they follow me, until I'm actually running to get away from them. If you wonder why I'm out of breath on the phone, now you know.

The kids have found my hiding spot in the bathroom. I have now resorted to locking myself in the pantry when I need a minute of peace and quiet. Ok, so there's not an actual lock on the door, but I'm stronger than Wyatt so I can hold it closed. It's my safe haven to talk on the phone and eat chocolate covered almonds.

Wyatt loves to play hide and seek and he's actually getting a little better at it. He now actually hides (a novel concept!) when it's his turn and doesn't jump out before you find him. I slowly walk through the house, affecting my stage whisper "HMMMM, HADLEY, DO YOU THINK WYATT IS IN THE CLOSET?? (muffled giggling tells me the answer is yes) LET'S SEE....." When it's his turn to be "it", he looks for you for about 5 seconds before he gets distracted and starts playing with something else. You could stay in your hiding spot for a good 20 minutes before he remembers he was looking for you. At first, I always went looking for him to see what happened. Now, I have figured out it's a nice little break and I just go with it...

Sometimes I feel like a referree, constantly separating, instructing, redirecting, scolding. If I were to record my daily utterances, I'm pretty sure it would sound something like this...

Take that out of your nose.

Stop banging. 

Why is your shirt all wet?

I can't talk right now, your sister pooped her pants.

Stop head butting me. It's not nice. 

What's in your mouth?


Stop making that noise. It hurts my ears. 

Good lord! Is it bedtime yet!??